Waves of grief have seemed to stir up again with near hurricane force winds. The grief seemed to ramp back up last week as I was walking into Maryland Community Church to practice with the praise team for their women’s event. Something about the weather that night felt like spring. There was a gentle wind and the air was brisk...the same kind of weather we experienced last February and March while mom was still alive. Weird how something like that can pick your mind up from the here and now and send it so quickly back to another time and place.
Then on top of that, I hadn’t been on stage at Maryland since mom got sick. I stepped off of the team last October. I rationalized that if I had to work Monday through Friday 8-5, then I wanted to clear my schedule of everything else so that I would be available to mom weeknights and weekends if she needed me. So, to step back on that stage was somewhat surreal, and another “first” for me.
Then there’s the Marshall Autumn Fest coming up this weekend, we would watch the parade together nearly every year (I could probably count the times on one hand that we didn’t watch it together). I’m kind of thankful that this year WBGL’s Single Mom Saturday falls on that day, so I actually won’t even be around for the parade. But then, it was last year at Single Mom Saturday that I got a phone call telling me that they were taking my Mom to the emergency room. After I got done working that event, Denny and I went to the hospital to see her and it was the first time the word “cancer” was mentioned.
So, it makes sense that the memories of all these things would stir up the grief again, not that grief needs any excuse to rise up.
One scripture that helps calm me and change my perspective is found tucked in the middle of John 14:28. It’s Jesus talking and he says this, “If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father”
When I read that, I think “yeah, that’s right.” If I really love mom, I’d be happy that she got to go to Heaven. I realize that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss her, it just changes my perspective so that I don’t feel so sad. Heaven is real, and someday I’ll get to join her there, but right now God still has a plan, purpose, and work for me here.
So, I’ll live with Him here, and she’ll live with Him there...until we meet again.